Tuesday, 24 July 2012
What can I say that would even begin to make it seem like my disappearance was possibly ok?
Nothing I guess, it might have been the fact that I lost Lullaby, that I was there when she died and that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Maybe it was where I had been submersed into a strange world full of people I didn’t know but people I had this unexplained link to it seemed. My personal favorite is this one: I’m crazy, I’m dreaming and none of this is really happening…
But I know it is, I know that crazy tall slender bastard is out there in those fucking wood; always watching, that he’s standing there waiting for the perfect move.
I know I was in that room with Shady, watching her as the words of Lullaby kept ringing in my head. I wanted to stay in that room, the room where it was safe with the breath and voices of us two; it was a haven in itself. Shady had been nothing but helpful and amazing, despite everything.
I know Shady came home that night, she was ignoring everyone, I was included and it frustrated me that I couldn’t completely figure out why. It bugs me sometimes that things never go as planned and that I can almost never figure out the simplest answers without help or time.
I also know that morning when Shady snapped, I know that was real. No matter what I said in protest it didn’t seem to matter, needless to say I was displeased about it all.
And the fucking emotions, these fucking feeling! Well, they are sure as fuck real. Hurt, sadness, pain they exist in me; in a way I’m lonely, so used to falling asleep and waking up with someone there. It’s like once you put so much time and effort into a relationship you can’t just forget it, why can’t I just forget it?!
Breathe; you are making a big deal out of nothing Con. What bullshit am I trying to convince myself with? This IS a big deal! Lullaby fucking died, Shady’s fucking gone and I can’t seem to control the basics of my own emotions that are overwhelming me. I’m angry! I don’t know when to expect that Agony bitch to return, I don’t know WHEN that creature of death will come back to us, and I don’t know how to even think clear without my head pounding and my chest sinking in.
I haven’t slept in what seems like months, I can’t even begin to think about touching food, and every part of me is almost wanting to return back to normal… even if I could go back, what would be the point? A house where nothing can get settled? Even if these people are breaking or hurt or even, dare I say it, insane there still a better makeshift family than mine.
GAH! I’m driving myself mad just thinking about what has happened and what I’m supposed to be doing. It must be obvious now in the mirror or the eyes of the people that look at me that I need sleep. These lines under my eyes are darker than black.
I’m trying though, that’s a good thing right? To keep it all in line, I’m keeping it all in line.